Yeah. I'm Famous.

Check out the dude in the sweet Agoraphobic Nosebleed hat.



HAHAHA. incredibly happy about this.

Omens...

Last night a cockroach and a black cat crossed my path on my home. Tonight I saw fireworks. I was equally filled with dread at the sight of both.

whats really hood

ive had quite the time getting myself back on track, and continue to leap over hurdles thrown my way. while this blog has been and will continue to be a place for me to vomit out the ups and downs of straightening out my physical and mental health, i havent really made any steps or hit any hurdles i feel are appropriate for a public forum. it has taken me quite some time due to a couple of factors to even get behind a keyboard and be creative.

i find that writing about music is still very easy for me to do, and have started a blog dedicated to that. you can check that out at freelancefiend.blogspot.com. i will review records, profile/interview bands, post free music (bands permitting, obviously), and post djing playlists there, vs here.

i have a lot to say about whats been going on and where im heading, but to address whats pressuring me the most now would be in poor taste, be even poorer writing, and ultimately work against progress im attempting to make. please follow freelancefiend.blogspot.com if youre interested in learning about some new jams. 99miles isnt done, its just paused for the sake of positive progress.

ahem

aside from the occasional set of dj set lists posts, i haven't had much to say. i try to keep this thing from being a bunch of boo-hoo, woe is me bullshit, and while this may surprise many people who are close to me, there are some things about my life that i actually dont want the world to know about.

to sum it up, it was bleak. i havent left the house much in six weeks. i had medication that didnt agree at all with my brain, so it made for very poor socialization. i have since changed anti depressants which have got me out somewhat more than before, we still have a ways to go.

so i guess this is returning back to writing. i have a few hundred emails i havent even bothered to look at, and a bunch of music writing to catch up to (and figure out what's relevant). ive been staring at my laptop through bloodshot glassy eyes, completely unable to even put together a sentence. life grinded to a hault. it still feels like its moving pretty slow, but a few things are starting to move, and i was struck with a rare streak of inspiration, so i figured id break the ice. today is the first day of the rest of my life.

Half Metal Jacket Playlist 5/29/11

Set 1:
Ancestors - Orcus' Avarice
Earthless - Sonic Prayer
Kylesa - Only One
Saviours - Cavern Of Mind
Red Fang - Prehistoric Dog
Coalesce - Wild Ox Moan
Pig Destroyer - Piss Angel
Carcass - Embodiment
Machinehead - Davidian
High On Fire - Snakes for the Divine

Set 2:
Gorilla Biscuits - New Direction
Shelter - In Defense of Reality
Reign Supreme - Still Unbroken
American Nightmare - AM/PM
Eighteen Visions - Who The Fuck Killed John Lennon?
Unbroken - End of a Lifetime
Poison The Well - Slice Paper Wrists
Every Time I Die - The Logic of Crocodiles
Waka Flocka Flame - Hard In Da Paint
Lil B The Based God - Ellen Degeneres
Odd Future - Sandwitches
Cold World - Dedicated to Babies who Came Feet First
Snapcase - Cognition
Earth Crisis - Firestorm

Set 3:
Rancid - Timebomb
Agnostic Front - Last Warning
Cro Mags - We Gotta Know
Death Threat - Dead At Birth
Hatebreed - Proven
Left For Dead - Whod You Know
Kraeyshawn - Gucci Gucci
Screw 32 - Blindspot
Pennywise - Bro Hymn
NOFX - Lineoleum
Disembodied - Bloodshed Rain
Inside Out - No Spiritual Surrender
3 Inches Of Blood - Deadly Sinners

Agent Ribbons/The Hot Toddies/Bam! Bam! at the Uptown 5/18/11

Set 1:

The Lemonheads - It's a Shame About Ray
Frank Turner - Reasons to Not Be an Idiot
Smoosh - Find A Way
New Order - Ceremony
The Kidcrash - New Ruins
Embrace - Can't Forgive
Jejune - Early Stars
Milemarker - Frigid Forms Sell You Warmth
Weston - Just Like Kurt
Polar Bear Club - Drifting Thing
The Van Pelt - His Steppe is My Prairie
Moving Units - Between Us and Them
Zero Zero - AM Gold
Vivian Girls - I Heard You Say
Bauhaus - She's In Parties

Set 2:

Cold Cave - Pacing Around the Church
Floor - Return To Zero
Joyce Manor - Constant Headache
The Nips - Gabrielle
Camera Obscura - French Navy
Holly Golightly - For All This
Jawbreaker - Jinx Removing

Set 3:

Moss Icon - Kick The Can
The Get Up Kids - Second Place
Murder City Devils - Rum To Whiskey
Wavves - Take on the World
Descendents - Hope
Go Sailor - Fine Day For Sailing
The Juliana Hatfield Three - My Sister
Seaweed - Kid Candy

Set 4:

The Make Up - Walking on the Dune
The Pee Chees - Grease
Best Coast - Crazy For You
Hot Snakes - If Credit's What Matters I'll Take Credit
The Lawrence Arms - 100 Resolutions
Q and not U - End the Washington Monument
The Dead Weather - Blue Blood Blues
Woven Bones - Blind Conscience
The Stitches - My Baby Hates Me
Crocodiles - I Wanna Kill
Anne - Stripping
The Exploding Hearts - Sleeping Aides and Razorblades
Heavens - Patent Pending
Lemuria - Pants

Sets from the Floor/Totomoshi show at the Uptown 4/25/11

1)
Heart - Magic Man
Karma To Burn - 19
Saviours - Cavern of Mind
Every Time I Die 0 - Wanderlust
Witchcraft - No Angel Or Demon
Red Fang - Prehistoric Dog
The Jesus Lizard - Mouthbreather
Ghost - Con Clavi Con Dio
Mercyful Fate - Nuns Have No Fun
Bison BC - Slow Hand Of Death
Fu Manchu - Godzilla

2)
Baroness - A Horse Called Golgotha
The Sword - Warp Riders
Kvelertak - Bloodtorst
From Ashes Rise - The Inner Beast
Pentagram - Forever My Queen
Trap Them - The Facts
Judas Priest - One For The Road

Playlists from 4/24/11 at the Ruby Room

1)
garden variety - in all respects
trusty - there goes sally
challenger - blackouts
minutemen - history lesson part 2
joyce manor - constant headache
quicksand - how soon is now?
dinosaur jr - whatevers cool with me
the jealous sound - anxious arms

2)
unwritten law - cpk
seaweed - kid candy
handsome - dim the lights
mr t experience - more than toast
the undertones - teenage kicks
rancid - alleyways and avenues
the explosion - reactor
screw 32 - blindspot
death by stereo - sow the seeds
saves the day - choke

3)
the exploding hearts - shattered
the murder city devils - ready for more
black cat music - red velvet and roses
q and not u - y plus white girl
braid - please drive faster
jejune - early stars
the get up kids - off the wagon
dillinger four - shiny things is good
kid dynamite - pacifier
sleater-kinney - end of you

4)
rites of spring - for want of
moss icon - kick the can
the promise ring - e texas ave
hum - stars
sunny day real estate - seven
lemuria - in a world of ghosts
descendents - pep talk
the lawrence arms - right as rain part 2
samiam - routine
the loved ones - 100k

you say positive? i say ok

the actually lyrics to that song are "you say positive, i say fuck that" by a band called in control. the song is called "gimmie some reality", and to be honest, in my humble opinion, is one of the greatest hardcore songs written of all time.

i took a lot away from that song from the time i heard it growing up. it helped me to accept reality not always going the way you want, and it had a kick ass mosh part to boot.

My blogs have been vague and short because personally, I find myself struggling in all sorts of different ways personally. Sometimes I feel like I could lay out all the things I'm sorting through in my head like a grocery list. A lot of people like to take blogs as an opportunity to complain about their lives, or as black hole for people to throw pity into. I'm not going to act like I haven't written in here in a fashion that be considered that. However, I think its counter-productive to healing, health, and happiness.

For every curveball and fucked up situation life has thrown at me, it has turned around thrown me a sweet, over the plate fast ball that I have sent into the center field bleachers. A lot of people tend to think you need leave your surroundings in order to get happy or change yourself. recently, for another blog, i wrote how taking lsd basically changes your visual perspective of what surrounds you. uprooting your life is bullshit. in my opinion, taking yourself and your fucked up problems to a place you know even less well is a recipe for distaster. it just ends up leaving you alone and upset versus being upset with at least some people you love, and others you can tolerate to fashion some sort of support system out of. lately ive had some friends that ive known for some years spend some time with me and let me in on their lives in ways ive never known before. it doesnt replace lost hormones, or undo any damage ive done to myself, but i see hope where i am. i see weapons to fight my disease and my problems i didnt even know i had.

at times i feel like i have enough friends. at times, i carry myself like an asshole and put people off and limit my involvement with people. to be honest, i feel like its for their own good, not mine. but tonight i spent some time with a good friend and it was awesome to see someone ive known for a few years in a whole new light, and to talk with that person and spending more time together doing creative things and just being fucking sweet bros.

tragedy and illness and hardships are unavoidable, and a part of life. i feel like through every hardship thats thrown my way, even the ones that have cut the deepest, have made me who i am, and have presented so many positives that without them, i wouldnt be who i am today, and for the first time in years, i look in the mirror and im proud of what i see.

transitions

im going to just come out and say that last weekend fucking sucked. im not going to get into why it sucked, or that it was everyone else's fault, and that i didn't play into it, but it just sucked. it was the sort of weekend that leads someone to making the ultimate poor decision. i rode it out without doing anything too stupid (other than missing some sweet shows i had ins to).

however, today was the sort of day that restores your faith in life. since starting hormone replacement therapy, ive generally started to feel better, physically and mentally. in addition to that, ive made appointments with a psychiatrist to start really figure out what the fuck is up with my head, and how much i may have messed myself up over the years. so on top of that, i had day that involved good people, good music, good drinks, good food, good opportunities, meeting new people, and reconnecting with old people that you connect with in unusual ways.

yeah, youre annoyed that this is vague, and to be honest, a lot of this shit isnt your business...yet. but i just wanted to vaguely gloat that in the face of hostility, i rode it out and was rewarded.

felt fucking good.

Apparently...

...I should stick to typing responses because when I verbally try to use English, some other language comes out.

I can make the words sing in print, but when I use my mouth, I end up sounding like Chris Barnes and do no right by speaking.

So I guess I'll stick to what I'm good at. Doing this. See you not around.

10-10-97, Rock Springs, Wyoming...

...as far as I can tell, I just don't miss you anymore.

A great line from a song called "I Keep A Diary" by a band called Braid. While a sentiment that seems somewhat harsh for why I've actually been moved from getting out of bed to write this, but the more I sit and listen to this song and actually think about how it applies to what I want to say, it oddly works.

I'm a week into testosterone replacement therapy and while the gel often leaves me feeling sick and incapacitated, I am slowly becoming the normal, functioning guy I was back in June. We're a long way off from perfect, and I still have three months of self-lubrication to go before I even hear what the next move in, but its refreshing to have a doctor provide me a solution that has tangible, noticeable improvements to my health.

This whole nightmare has unearthed something that probably really wasn't even much of a secret. I think it is obvious to anyone who is really close to me that I suffer from some sort of depression that has equal parts biochemical and behavioral elements. At times, especially throughout most of March, before getting the appointment at the endocrinologist, I was in a mire of a bleak, dark, hopeless existence. I'm sure it sounds a bit melodramatic, but fuck it, it was true. I'm not quite out of it yet to be entirely honest, but over the last twenty-four hours, I feel like my life is turning into some sort of John Cusack-esque romantic comedy movie, but in the best way possible.

Without divulging too much in the interest of not jinxing myself and protect the identities of all parties involved that aren't me, what seemed like a lifetime ago, but was really only twelve years ago, I went on a date with someone that, while this may hurt the feelings of some of you, was more or less the best date I ever went on ever. It was an impromptu Valentine's Day date. Nineteen year old me even did his best to dress up a little bit, which I'm sure looked as awkward as it felt, and then I braved a rainstorm in my Toyota pick up truck and drove from Santa Cruz to San Francisco to pick up a fellow college aged girl with a foul mouth and the same sort of ill-timed, tasteless sense of humor that I have. She dressed up, far better than I did, and I recently learned she bought a leather skirt which she wore for twenty hours straight while it was wet so that it would highlight her ass, which honestly, even though its been twelve years and running tab of intoxicants potential into six figures, did enough to make my pants smaller without the leather skirt. We went to Jay's for their award-winning seitan sandwiches and then to the Bottom of the Hill to see The Plus Ones and Bracket (I remembered offhand that we saw The Plus Ones, but she had saved the BOTH schedule that included the full line up, including Bracket), neither of whom we were incredibly huge fans of, but the company was far more important than the entertainment. I'm pretty sure that I bought her a fake rose from a Chevron station in Half Moon Bay, but there is only one way we will ever know for sure, and the way in which we will know for sure is what floored me and got me out of bed. I was at least one, potentially more, entries in someone's diary.

Could this have been the case in other situations with girls I've been with? Certainly, but none of them have ever told me, and alluded to me being even more than one entry. I've been in love. I've been there for the high times, the low times, and all the times in between. I've had profound, life-changing experiences good and bad with other relationships in my life, but something about this persons coming and going and the memories staying so vivid isn't something I can't ignore, and I'm just lucky enough to have it come at a time where I'm smart enough to make some sense of it, and at a time when I can use all the positive influence I can get.

So getting back to that obscure Braid quote this entire post is stemmed from, I keep a diary now, and I'm starting to leave this rough part of my life behind. Knowing someone found me special enough to forever commit me to paper via ink is enough to make the hormone therapy induced nausea and exhaustion a little easier to bare.

Who knows where life takes us, but I feel good about what it's showing me right now.

It's been awhile

Read that title again, but this time imagine that dude from Staind singing it. LOL.

I haven't done much here for a minute. The truth is I've been real low and more or less waiting for forward movement on treatment and I sort of feel like a bunch of entries about being depressed, suicidal, upset, and angry don't really make for great reading material. My motivation was relatively shot too. For whatever reason, it's coming back, and I'm going for it.

So health news: there is no tumor, but something is seriously wrong with my ability to produce testosterone, so I am on hormone treatment for three months. As far as the other symptoms, they feel like this is a combo meal of issues, and not necessarily the direct result of one, so I am also returning to UCSF to get a CT scan of my abdomen because hot lava poop is getting real old. The good thing about the hormone therapy is that it should improve my energy and mood, which will make me more able to do things and generally not be a fucking mopey mess all the time. I am also getting sent to a psychiatrist to get a better understanding of my depression related issues. So that's where we are for those keeping score.

I have to be honest, I almost feel like I would have rather had a tumor. This is the most pertinent information, diagnosis, and plan that I've had since this whole fucking mess started, but it still just seems too fucking vague. I want hard, unfuckingwithable evidence. I want a solution. If I have gained anything from this experience, is that an empty life will make you insane. I'm not talking good or bad, whether or not you live the dream or struggle to survive, but literally when you have nothing to fill the time because you can't really do anything, only then do you see how large life really is. I've been waiting to get back in the game for a long time, and recently, each day feels longer and longer. So fuck, appreciate anything you got going on. You got a job? Awesome. A relationship? Sweet. Aside from getting you paid and laid, those things take up the space that is your life. They make the slow parts seem fast and generate experiences and stories and life lessons. I can tell you from experience is that Hulu and OnDemand cable just generate shows you've watched too many times already.

I haven't been completely idle though. I have some things in the works, but like everything else in my life, they seem to take forever to happen. I'm really trying to step up my writing game, and am working on getting myself on some new blogs and getting the old Pressman name out there. I am also working on a book that falls somewhere between memoir and handbook for people who choose to ignore common sense and make bad decisions. I figure if nothing else, the stories can be laughed about now because time has passed and honestly, people are always gonna be dumb. Every single kid that went to elementary school was told drugs are bad and sex is dangerous but as "Intervention" and "Teen Mom" tell us, people are gonna do what people are gonna do. While I may have several lesser points (depending on who you ask), I don't currently have any children, uncurable diseases (from sex anyway), nor have I fellated anyone for drugs. And I can even clean up and look respectable and smart sometimes. So maybe there's a method to the madness. We'll see how it goes. I know that by 31, I have figured out how to look less stupid than a lot of people I hear in stories my friends tell me, so maybe I can give someone a helping hand.

So that's what's up.

A389 MIXTAPE SONG BY SONG REVIEW

So my friend Jerry and I were discussing music, and realized we dont see eye to eye on a lot of what we like. His awesome band, The Love Below, is releasing a record on A389 Records, who recently put out a free mixtape. To show Jerry that I just call things for what they are musically and not because I'm superior or snobbish. I'm going to do a song by song review. And here we go:

Deathammeer "In Baltimore There Is No Law" : First thing, the whole one h/two h in the name thing must have been one hell of a series of conversations. I have to say the single h was definitely the right move. Musically, we kind of have a winding intro of dueling guitars, remiscent of Saviours but with a little more testosterone. Whoa, now the vocals come in and were thrashing. Cool for what it is. I was kinda feeling the riffy stuff more than the DRI parts, but its still sweet.

Ancient Shores - "B.T.K." One of those Neurosis-ish bands that attempt on that ritual, rhythmic aspect of Neurosis, which is refreshing as far as this genre of bands goes. So for the last minute of the song, they go all d-beat/old Neurosis. Would be big in the East Bay. Killer.

Hatewaves "Poser Politics" I usually find that it doesnt take long to call someone out some bullshit. Super fast, angry old hc with a touch of a Charles Bronson vibe. Prolly cool live.

Homewrecker "Internal Morgue" Violent and negative. Great songwriting. Remove for vocal sound improvement that I think can only come with experience. Lots of promise here. Fans of Trash Talk need to recognize.

Full Of Hell "Rat King" There's a lot of mixing very slow, doomy parts with fast hardcore d-beat parts. As a doom guy it just ends up fucking with my high bro. Can't get me all nodded all mellow then get all "1 2 FUCK YOU" to the end of the song. Again, not dissing these dudes at all. The blast beat part into the mosh part at the end kills.

Pulling Teeth "From Birth" - I've heard these dudes before and because they were all on Deathwish I figured they were some like noisy youth crew thing. My bad. I don't know what to call this: raging metal? crossover? Feeling it.

PALA "Don't Ever Think That You're In Conrol" - This is interesting. It had a mid-90s emo thing on the intro, theh went into an Eyehategod esque part, yet more technical. Now its Mastodon but less technical.

Gravehill "Kill All That Lives" - Is this the same Gravehill that's leading the keeping death metal "old" campaign? Sorry, Job For A Cowboy called and said "U Mad?"

Integrity "+Orrchida" - Integrity. It's better than "Integ2000", its not as good as "Systems Overloaded".

Seven Sisters Of Sleep "Passed Out Standing" - I like a lot of stoner and doom metal, and a lot of my more hardcore have been pushing me to get into these guys. It's decent, the vocals could be so much cooler than just screaming. Just me though. Go for yours.

Weekend Nachos "Black Earth" - Easily one of the greatest band namds of all time. A name I've heard for a long time and a band I've heard before. Six years ago I would have loved this. Not a snarky "I'm so old comment", just saying I liked faster music then. Would prolly rule live.

Withdrawl "Rotten Hell" - The more metal side of dbeat/hardcore. Sort of in that no mans' band between being like Cro Mags moshable or Discharge as far as moshablity goes. Not a fav. Sorry dudes.

Witch-lord - How did I know this was gonna be stoney? Very "Supercoven"-esque Electric Wizard influence with SUNN/GNAW THEIR TONGUES noise/samples/creepy vocals. Would want to hear more of this.

Seraphim "Frustrations" - Whoa...this threw me for a loop. The first minute of this had me thinking this was going to be a Red Sparowes/Moving Mountings metalgazey thing, and out of nowhere they break into a sludgey Crowbar verse and chorus. Yeah...Crowbar, Tad, Soundgarden...their guitar tone live must be out of hand. Vocally I think there's room to grow. Decent for sure. Bonus for epic trippy guitar outro.

Anne "Get It How You Live" - Reverby metal influenced indie not too different than the up and coming True Widow. I really like what they are doing to their guitars during the verse, and the chorus has a fucking awesome stone roses vibe to it. i WANT this.

Roses Never Fade "Goodbye To You" - In general I hate acoustic guitars, especially when when aging pop punk dudes starting using them, but this is a fucking awesome cover.

Mighty Sphincter "Ressurction" Like if Rikk Agnew used distortion on the first Christian Death record and Rozz was trying to be Peter Murphy. Does goth exist anymore? Cool for playing music that a lot of people aren't really fucking with right now. Want to hear more of this too.

Xibalba "Bright Sun" - I've heard they're the mexican Disembodied and that they tried to fight Comadre for commenting on Xibalba being a band that brings the mosh. Sold.

Phaoroh "I Murderer, I" - This song could have been about half as long. The first minute of that same riff went nowhere, and then the vocals come in like its a different song. Too much stop/go here for me. Very 90s though.

Ringworm "Voluntary Human Extinction (Live)" - Ringworm. Live. No elaboration needed. Awesome.

Triac "Hole" - Fast, angry hardcore. Proficient at what they do, just not my cup of tea.

Rot In Hell "Erebus (Live)" - A lot of my fellow retirement home hardcore dude friends love this band. I've listened a few times and its cool, but I don't get the hard on they get. Great Clevo style HC from the UK. Dude can shred on the guitar.

The Love Below - "Rotten Fruit From A Shitty Tree" Ah, the product of Jerry's hard work. I back the tempo and the semi-decipherable vocal style. At times, vocals have a Born Against vibe. Musically, very dark and East Bay. Reminds of El Dopa at times. Want more.

Gehenna "Cavemen" - Gehenna...you love them, hate them (and secretly love them). You think they're horrible people or you love how little they give a fuck. Personally, I feel their best work was their demo, but this new song was like grind/powerviolence than past releases. Interested to hear more/see them live.

Penentration Panthers "Wasted Mind" - These guys sound like dudes who got those 3 CD Englush punk compilations, and then just stopped looking for new bands. Would be cooler if they upped the Thin Lizzy or Stooges vibe. Not a lot of dimension here.

Pick Your Side "Help Me Forget" - I think this is the singer of Haymaker's band. Sounds like Haymaker. Really angry/pissed off hardcore that can only be made by those old enough to have suffered on their own.

Blind To Faith "RJ" - Heavy Integrity influence but with a bit more of a early Black Flag aire about the vocals. Like Integrity with more of a west coast punk vibe. I can't put my finger on it though.

Oathbreaker "Downfall" = These dudes love Integrity. They do it well. If you love Integrity, you'll love these dudes or call em posers. Not really doing it for me.

Creepout "War Against" - THIS RULES! This reminds me of Oxnard, CA legends In Control. Fun. Great singalong parts. Hardcore is missing this.

Mindsnare "Final Call" - Slayer-ish thrash with harder vocals. Awesome for thrash...just not a thrash dude. Could see these dudes touring w 3 Inches of Blood, Skeletonwitch, and Early Man and killing it.

Children Of God "You Will Suffer' - This is the best aggressive music band in California. Pure, unadulterated anger. Defies words. Brutal as fuck.

Pale Creation "Bleed The Soil" - Classic metal trying to covering whatever vocals with a lot of reverb? Some of the guitar parts has potential, but could use reworking. Now were at like, a post metal Quicksand part into a bad solo. Maybe this was a better idea at the bar in a conversation.

Amen Ra "Am Kreuz" - "hey....lets scream over the same thing for a minute, then stop, go into a long instrumental interlude with dynamics and female vocals that's incredbile." That whole first minute could be outta there.

Integriteeth "New Manson Family" - Pulling Teeth with Dwid Integrity on vocals. Sounds like Integrity with more metal oriented dudes in it. Wouldn't be able to distinguish from an Integrity song without info so that sums that up.

Shin To Shin "Driftning Away" - Kind of this odd blend of death metal vocals with black metal reverb over speed metal parts with the occasional NYHC mosh part. Weird.

Oak "Cowards & Undeserving (Part II)" - Gnarly vocal/drum intro. Very evil. Real slow death doom similiar to Coffins. I like the melodic understones. Nice to see someeone playing stripped down death/funeral/doom. Everyone in Europe is going nuts with extra instruments. Can't hang. This is good stuff though. Want to hear more.


There's my review Jerry.

getting stoned and listening to a record straight through

more on this soon. currently researching.

Eventually the White Whale resurface

I've been away from here for a few weeks. The good news is that my guts seem to be behaving much better than the ace over the last few months, but no step forward comes without another life crippling health pitfall. The main reason I have left this blog sit for a minute is because I have coping with intense expression and a shortage of energy in general. Not only did I feel like I had nothing of interest to share with you, I barely have much to tell you that wouldn't just be an onslaught of pathetic complaints. However, I feel like breaking my silence.

Upcoming medical events,: a 4 hour MRI on March 5h, which is also my 31st birthday. I am starting to make lemonade out of the lemons, but it was a bit of a harsh blow when I first got the news. On the 8th, I go back to the endocrinologist and will get the final date for popping this bitch out of my nose. The down time between now and then is difficult and through it all, I have really exuded unfamiliar yet severe
symptoms that have really made my life incredible difficult.

My sleep schedule is a mystery. I seem to always get close to eight hours, but they are in odd intervals and at different times. Dealing with people is incredible challenging. I feel constantly paranoid and I have little to no threshold to hammering out I difficult conversations, which leads to lashing out or withdrawing from people who are doing their best to be there for me and offer support. While forever thank any and everyone who handed out a hand for me. If I had any sort of negative interaction with you over the last couple of weeks or monthes, please accept my deepest apologies. I am not the dude I used to be. I am hoping to return to the life I lived back in June.

I had a great weekend and I plan on sharing it with you later today because the Xanax is really starting to step up it's game. I'd like to thank Chloe and Daniel, Zola and Jeremy, Kiki, Dustin, Chris Gross, Sonya, Jackie, Cassie, Jimmy Jazz, Wino and Becky, Mom, and last but not definitely least, my roommate family Sunshine, Greg, and Nina. You have all helped my morale get out of the toilet.

To be continued.......

"Let the pissing begin!" - My Mother

So I just took my last piss in a toilet for the next twenty four hours. All piss related endeavors have now moved from the commode to an orange bottle. We will be documenting how often and full the bottle gets, any interesting beverages consumed, friends stopping by to say hello, and answering the question that just occurred to me as I was peeing:

How am I going to pull this while I'm dropping a deuce?

And away we go!

The Take Over, The Break's Over...Oh Yeah! Piss!

So today began medical bullshit, 2011 edition, endocrinologist remix. However, I feel though this time the bullshit is going to be a minimum and the results are going to finally come. So here's what we know as of today.

My insurance is good to go.
My testosterone, as well as a few of my other pituitary gland related hormones aren't right.
I get a bunch more blood tests Friday morning.
I get an MRI of my head in the next two weeks.

and last, but certainly not least, I GET TO COLLECT MY PISS FOR 24 HOURS!

Starting Thursday at 8am, I wake up, piss in a toilet, then flush. From then on, every drop of my golden, sacred urine goes into a giant red jug for the next 24 hours. So, because I am a giant child, I am going to document as much of this as I can on this blog as well as my tumblr, caffeineorme.tumblr.com. I am taking suggestions on different liquids I should drink (I'm not drinking bodily fluids, well...some may be up for debate), as well as live updates on how full the bottle is, and good thing I copped that iPhone four, BECAUSE WERE MAKING VIDEOS BITCH!

Expect to be creeped out and to hear killer jams in the background while I piss into the same bottle for 24 hours while different friends come over and offer moral support or just try and fuck with me while I piss in a jar. Friday at 8am, I take my last piss, then head over to the lab (the real lab, not like the studio lab) drop off the piss and then let some grumpy lady stick needles in my arm again, take a few gallons of blood to be spun, again, and then wait to see what that's all about. Over the next few days I find out when I get MRI'ed, and then they see what's fucking up my manhood.


So please email all beverage suggestions to imalwaystiredallthetime@gmail.com

PISS!

Tomorrow

I go to the endocrinologist. I will know when they are pulling this shit out of my head. FUCKING. SCARY.

Godspeed Happy Hour Playlist 1/28/11

om - at giza
deep purple - child of time
us christmas - the scalphunters
led zeppelin - dazed and confused
queens of the stone age - regular john
judas priest - one for the road
humo del cairo - a tiempo
desert session - cowards way out
hum - stars
quicksand - head to wall
handsome - quiet liar
texas is the reason - back and to the left
the promise ring - e texas ave
modest mouse - truckers atlas
built to spill - carry the zero
interpol - pda
sonic youth - wish fulfillment
the pixies - holiday song
silversun pickups - well thought out twinkies
dinosaur jr - out there
mc5 - rama lama fa fa fa
the stooges - no fun
johnny thunders - cant put your arms around a memory
dead meadhow - babbling flower
leaf hound - work my body
parchman farm - too many people
the white stripes - icky thump
earthless - sonic prayer
pentagram - last daze here
wolfmother - joker and the thief
the sword - lawless lands
kylesa - spiral shadow
tombs - merrimack
black breath - unholy virgin
bison bc - slow hand of death
thin lizzy - jailbreak
doomriders - come alive
saviours - we roam
every time i die - inrihab
norma jean - pretendeavor
dillinger escape plan - milk lizard
torcher - healer
heavy heavy low low - giant mantis vs turt nip
black flag - my war
ted nugent - stranglehold
black sabbath - tomorrows dream
eyehategod - jackass in the will of god
his hero is gone - momument to thieves
bad brains - supertouch/shitfit
trash talk - manifest destination
judge - ive lost
children of god - while you sleep...
the mistake - adios motherfuckers
terror - nothing to me
iron age - disposessed
the suicide file - the somme
cursed - polygraph
the hope conspiracy - truth and purpose
god forbid - antihero
lamb of god - laid to rest
hatebreed - a call for blood
madball - nyc

And now for some real news

Due to a lapse and following lag in health insurance coverage, I have taken a forced "month off" of dealing with this tumor bullshit that keeps fucking up my life, a la Jets To Brazil. However, the insurance package has arrived, and I have an appointment with the endocrinologist on Tuesday morning at 10:30. While its been nice to check out of worrying about all this bullshit, its always been on the back of my mind, and now here it is, right back in my face.

So what does Tuesday mean? It means that "brain surgery" goes from being a funny joke at the bar to being very, very fucking real. The shit is looming for real, and knowing me, will probably land right around my birthday. What a way to ring in 31...by pulling a piece of flesh out of my nose and hopefully getting my body to behave like its supposed to. As I sit around here thinking about it, I don't even really remember what its like to feel healthy. To feel like how I used to feel. For example, after yesterday's 16 hour sleepapolooza, I woke up at 5am, did some chores, walked to get some breakfast, bought groceries, put them away, and feel totally wiped out. I am currently waiting for Sunshine to wake up to see if I can borrow her ride to get to my grandparents house and get my mail so I can pick up my insurance info because there is no way in hell I can make it there on a bike. Over the last few days, two flights, a tattoo, some shows, an interview, and a lot of writing wore me the fuck out. I can't remember the days where riding my bike all over town was no big deal, or playing a show with a band seemed feasible, and didn't lay me up for days afterwards.

So my vacation is over. Here's to the end. I'm glad its the end, but its still scaring the shit out of me.

MORE REAL WRITER SHIT!

http://sfist.com/2011/01/27/tomorrow_wallpaper_at_slims.php

http://sfist.com/2011/01/28/next_mondaytuesday_against_me_at_sl.php

Look at me I'm trying to be a real writer

http://sfist.com/2011/01/26/sfist_attends_fu_manchu_at_bottom_o.php

Wednesday with the Wizard Playlist 1/26/11 Mosh/Lurker Night

Metallica - Orion
Old Man Gloom - Gift
Earthless - Sonic Prayer
Rwake - Crooked Rivers
Saviours - We Roam
Baroness - A Horse Called Golgotha
Trash Talk - Explode
Left For Dead - Who'd You Know
Haymaker - Stressed Out
Trapped Under Ice - Believe
Damnation AD - No More Dreams Of Happy Endings
108 - Opposition/Deathbed
Tragedy - Deaf and Disbelieving
Hatebreed - Doomsayer
Slayer - South of Heaven
Mercyful Fate - Evil
3 Inches of Blood - Night Merauders
Unearth - Zombie Autopilot
At The Gates - Cold
Darkest Hour - Demon(s)
Killswitch Engage - A Bid Farewell
Megadeth - Holy Wars...The Punishment Due
Superjoint Ritual - Personal Insult
Cro Mags - We Gotta Know
LION CREW - LION Crew Intro
Terror - Out Of My Face
Black Breath - I Am Beyond
High On Fire - Devilution
Black Flag - Police Story
The Germs - What We Do Is Secret
Agnostic Front - Last Warning
Ted Nugent - Stranglehold
Leaf Hound - Sad Road To The Sea
Black Sabbath - Snowblind
White Zombie - Thunderkiss 65
Helmet - In The Meantime
Fu Manchu - Eatin Dust
Clutch - Profits of Doom
Graveyard - Evil Ways
Pantera - I'm Broken
A Life Once Lost - Vulture
Crowbar - Falling Down
Throwdown - You Can't Kill Integrity
Reign Supreme - Still Unbroken
God Forbid - Antihero
Lamb of God - Ruin
Ozzy Osbourne - Over The Mountain
Queens of the Stone Age - Little Sister
Blue Oyster Cult - Burnin For You
Deftones - Bored
Quicksand - Dine Alone
Bad Brains - Re:ignition
Black Sabbath - War Pigs
Pentagram - When The Screams Come

They Got Nothin' On You, Baby...

I feel like I've been neglecting this, and by doing so neglecting some self-expression and reflection, however, the upside to this is that I've been doing a lot to further my "professional" writing career, so it's not as if I've been dicking around watching SVU non-stop. I'm only watching SVU with Greg part of the time. However, since sleep and I continue to have a difficult relationship, and after having a particularly antsy turned cathartic turned heart-wrenching turned longing turned hopefully night into morning, I went for a walk for a breakfast burrito and some groceries. Upon getting home, I realized I had nothing to do (since Sunshine's car is having some sort of starter issue, which leaves me off the hook for picking her up at the airport and leaving me with a lack of In-N-Out burger in my life today), so I decided to go the Bukowski/Hemingway route, pour a shot of Fernet, crack a Bud, and let myself get some shit off my chest that isn't about how awesome Saviours is live or faking an interest in Kimya Dawson (I'll link those stories later).

For those of you who need a little more than cryptic, unclear paragraphs written during the witching hours, I am running full force at becoming a writer. I am really getting the music writer game going the most first because it seems to fall in my lap easiest seeing as how I've been overly involved in music for most of my life, but I am currently trying to navigate my way through a novel/memoir and being the editor of an online/blog magazine. Great ideas that are currently being underwritten by the great State of California and their disability insurance, because there sure as shit isn't any money in writing at the level I'm at. The amount of hustling it takes to get a name out in the realm of music writing is vast, which is why my baby, my soul, my pathetic attempt at self-expression, 99miles, has taken such a backseat. I figured its just not fair to my mother, grandmother, and the six other people who give a shit about what goes on here. So the music writing has caught me a touch of a break for the moment, so I'm going to explain this decision to you. i had intended on going to USF for Grad School for a Masters in Education and a special certificate in being a Reading Interventionist. While this isn't an idea I'm throwing to the way side, I really don't see myself leaving that idea in the dust, but I'm watching California destroy it's educational infrastructure and thinking that throwing $60,000 at a school in loans to head into an industry that is currently getting gutted and burned for reasons I can't comprehend, why not run at writing about punk, metal, hardcore, indie rock, emo, or whatever which I at least have been told I am somewhat of an expert on. Beyond that, I'm apparently good with the words, so fuck it. You never know until you try, right?

The old tumor is still in there, and due to the usual health industry red tape, we are nearing the end of a standstill in removal progress. There really isn't anything to report there, but it is taking quite the toll on a lot of relationships in my life. Some of them are strained, some of them are fractured, and I'm afraid a few are done for good. While I am not happy at all with this path life has lead me down, I am learning more and more each day how little I was doing for myself and for others while I was sick, and really for a lot of my life before then. I have talked about in previous posts how the upside to getting sidelined by life gives you time to think about your station in life and where you should go next, and I'm happy to find myself heading down the path I need to be going down. I plan on addressing some of the sudden changes in trust and emotion I have towards people in my life at some point, and really am working to avoid cutting people out in most cases, but I'm feeling the best for myself when I am doing the things I need to do for myself. I knew this was the proper path to take after a lengthy talk with my younger brother while walking from Upper Haight to the Mission last week. He recently peaced out on a rather lucrative job for a late 20s dude to have to go on tour playing folk music. He's struggling in some regards, but he's happy. To me, that makes more sense than not struggling as much but suffering more. You only get one life, so you need to do it right.

It's unfortunate that coming to this decision has lead to some collateral damage in my life, but it always hurts to rip off the band aid, and usually your first dive into the deep end of the pool is cold as fuck. At the end of the day, scars heal or you learn how to tread water.

In closing, I am just going to say that sometimes getting what you want means fighting hard. In my case, in simultaneously fighting a tumor, false impressions, misinformation, lack of trust, being a small fish in a big pond, and a very large (literally and figuratively) roadblock to getting to where I want to end up in life. A month ago, challenges this daunting would have had me looking at the full bottle of Tylenol PM in the medicine chest as my only way out. In January, from the comfort of my own homebase, surrounded by a team who's pushing me harder and harder to keep fighting the good fight, there isn't anything in front of me that is out of reach.

I'd like to thank the following individuals for really coming through for me as I've gotten my life back to being my own over the last few weeks: Sunshine, Greg, Danielle, Mingo, Bryan, Pike, Taler, Paisley, Tia, Kevin, Javier and the Van Huss/Koska Family, Captain Chase Corum, Collin O Brian, Ryan Fucking Dale, Jimmy Jazz, Koji, Carl, Jason at Eli's, the wonderful folks at Godspeed, Leanne and the SFist.com. Without you guys I don't know what the fuck I'd be up to.

Thanks.

Everyday I'm Hustling..

In twelve hours, i got myself into around ten shows to review, a legit media outlet for them to be read on, and the attention of a major magazine I hope to work for.

I WONT STOP TIL I WIN.

FUCK YOU TUMOR. FUCK YOU LIFE. FUCK ANYONE WHO DOUBTS ME OR GETS IN MY WAY.

Back to work.

Wednesday with the Wizard Playlist 1/12/11

Humo Del Cairo - Nimbo
Desert Sessions - Girl Boy Tom
Ted Nugent - Stranglehold
Litamus - Miles Away
Howl - You Jackals Beware
Revelation - Stars Almost Drown
Taint - Zealouts and Whores
Clutch - The Mob Goes Wild
The Warlocks - The Midnight Sun
Goblin Cock - We Have A Bleeder
The Sword - Warp Riders
Apostle of Solitude - Acknowledging The Demon
Crowbar - Coming Down
Electric Wizard - Venus In Furs
Graveyard - Evil Ways
Serpent Throne - Headed to an Unmarked Grave
Ghost - Elizabeth
Children of Bodom - Sixpounder
Pantera - I'm Broken
Integrity - Armenian Persecution
Reign Supreme - Still Unbroken
Unearth - Zombie Autopilot
Nirvana 2002 - Slumber
Haarp - All, Alone
Kylesa - Spiral Shadow
Fu Manchu - Godzilla
New Lows - Stagnant Stride
Sloth - Germanian
Lamb of God -11th Hour
Darkest Hour - Sound of Surrender
Nails - Unsilent Death
Bison BC - Slow Hands of Death
Kvelertak - Mjod
All Pigs Must Die - Sermon for the End
Torche - Amnesian
Judas Priest - One for the Road
Grand Magus - Brotherhood of Sleep
Witchcraft - Chylde of Fire
Black Sabbath - St Vitus Dance
Doomriders - Posession
Glassjaw - All Good Junkies Go To Heaven
Saviours - Cavern of Mind
Pentagram - Forever My Queen
Superjoint Ritual - Personal Insult
Ozzy Osbourne - Over The Mountain
High On Fire - Snakes For The Divine
The Fucking Wrath - Fangs of God
OFF! - Upsidedown
Animals As Leaders - CAFO
Slayer - Ghosts of War
Cro Mags - Street Justice
Trapped Under Ice - Half A Person
Vision of Disorder - Element
Martyr AD - American Hollow
Pulling Teeth - Ritual
Black Breath - Unholy Virgin
Iron Age - Disposessed
Mammoth Grinder - Iron Pigs
Trash Talk - Manifest Destination
Black Dahlia Murder - Funeral Thirst
The Red Chord - Antman
Terror - Overcome
Most Precious Blood - Less Than Zero
The Hope Conspiracy - Truth and Purpose
Throwdown - You Can't Kill Integrity
Rwake - Unleashing Cosmic Destruction

Life Moves Fast...

Here's an insider tip about me: if I don't put stuff in here, it's because I've been busy, and usually busy means good. In this case, Greg, Sunny, and I have been hard at work getting our house together, and I have been getting used to a couple of new DJ gigs I got, and I keep getting newer ones. Go fucking me, right? So far, those things have been going great. We have a few more things to set up around the new house, and the CASA DE AWESOME will be in perfect form.

I had an irritating lapse in health insurance, which I have since rectified, so I sort of have to start the pituitary tumor removal process. Currently waiting on new info to give to old doctors so we can bing, bang, boom that bitch right on out and life can resume. I often wonder what this blog is going to be like without bad health. Am I going to write about random West Oakland shit I see all day? A funny thing happened while DJing at Godspeed? Was my life that interesting before I got sick? I guess we'll find out together.

So I should have all the major dates of the procedures this week, and hopefully some info on just what this is going to take to end and how long until I get to just be the me you all know and love. I am making plans for the future. They seem fun.

Tomorrow I am buying myself a new amp, and I am getting my music game back up and rolling. Sunshine and I collaborating, as well as some new friends who are doing things that aren't noisy, loud, screaming, etc. I am also trying to get some guitar stuff from a musical idol, but that's under wraps until that's reality.

Do any of you readers have any leads on how you getting paid for running ads on a blog works? Any help would be appreciated. Now to get some music writing done.

"Beware, I bare more grudges...than lonely high court judges...."

Black Mass Playlist 1/9/2011

Acid King - Evil Satan
Sleep - Dragonaut
Electric Wizard - The Satanic Rites of Count Drugula
Black Sabbath - War Pigs
Neurosis - A Sun That Never Sets
Witch - Seer
Doomriders - Come Alive
Nachtmystium - Ghosts of Grace
Saviours - We Roam
Christian Mistress - Desert Rose
Baroness - A Horse Called Golgotha
Mayhem - Deathcrush
Pantera - 5 Minutes Alone
Darkest Hour - The Sadist Nation
Killswitch Engage - Rose of Sharyn
Eighteen Visions - The Psychotic Thought That Satan Gave Jesus
Animals As Leaders - CAFO
Dillinger Escape Plan - Milk Lizard
God Forbid - Antihero
Kvelertak - Mjod
Municipal Waste - Mind Eraser
Kylesa - Spiral Shadow
The Sword - Warp Riders
Dio - Rainbow In The Dark
Anthrax - Be All, End All
Today Is The Day - In The Eyes Of God
Megadeth - Holy Wars...The Punishment Due
Judas Priest - One For The Road
Leaf Hound - Work My Body
Queens of the Stone Age - Regular John
Mercyful Fate - Nuns Have No Fun
Van Halen - Aint Talkin Bout Love
Metallica - Four Horsemen
Black Breath - Unholy Virgin
Slayer - Dead Skin Mask
Mastodon - Blood and Thunder
Ozzy Osbourne - Mr Crawley
Def Leppard - Photograph
Clutch - Escape From The Prison Planet

I Don't Wanna Grow Up Playlist 1/8/11

Jawbreaker - Fireman
Lagwagon - Violins
Pretty Girls Make Graves - Sad Girls Por Vida
Underoath - Reinventing Your Exit
CIV - So Far, So Good, So What?
Alkaline Trio - Calling All Skeletons
The Murder City Devils - I Drink The Wine
Best Coast - Boyfriend
The Exploding Hearts - Throwaway Style
Generation X - Kiss Me Deadly
Morrissey - There Is A Place In Hell For Me and My Friends
Polar Bear Club - Living Saints
Living With Lions - A Bottle of Charades
Hot Water Music - Bitter End
Agent Orange - Bloodstains
Weezer - Say It Aint So
X - Nausea
Turbonegro - The Age of Pamplonus
The Bronx - They Will Kill Us All
Le Shok - Killed By Fuck
Descendents - Jean Is Dead
NOFX - The Bag
Set Your Goals - The Lost Boys
A Loss For Words - Half Step Down
Evergreen Terrace - New Friend Request
Bad Brains - Re:ignition
The Misfits - TV Casualty
Camera Obscura - French Navy
Milemaker - Frigid Forms Sell You Warmth
PIerce The Veil - Yeah Boy and Doll Face
Kid Dynamite - Pacifier
Good Riddance - Mother Superior
Bad Religion - Sanity
Pinhead Gunpowder - Reach for the Bottle
X-Ray Spex - Oh Bondage, Up Yours!
Gang of Four - Damaged Goods
The Lawrence Arms - Your Gravest Words
Pennywise - Homesick
Lifetime - Cut The Tension
Swing Kids - Disease
The Damned - Smash It Up
The Gaslight Anthem - '59 Sound
The Jam - Life From A Window
The Blood Brothers - We Ride Skeletal Lightning
Dead To Me - Cruel World
Against Me - Thrash Unreal
Circa Survive - The Glorious Nosebleed
Frank Turner - Long Live The Queen
It Dies Today - Enjoy The Slence
Poison The Well - Nerdy
Saves The Day - The Choke
Piebald - Grace Kelly With Wings
Coheed and Cambria - Time Consumer
Heavens - Watching You
Lemuria - In A World Of Ghosts...
Heartsounds - I Climbed For Miles
A Wilhelm Scream - The Pool
Jawbreaker - Do You Still Hate Me?
Texas Is The Reason - Back and to the Left
Gameface - Time After Time
The Promise Ring - The Deep South
Fugazi - Repeater
Samiam - Bad Day
Tiger Trap - My Broken Heart
Lucero - Tears Don't Matter Much
Title Fight - Memorial Field
The Get Up Kids - Off The Wagon
Say Anything - Alive With The Glory of Love
Motion City Soundtrack - My Favorite Accident
Screeching Weasel - My Brain Hurts
Built To Spill - Twin Falls Idaho
Shook Ones - All Grown Up
Rancid - Let's Go
Dropkick Murphys - Never Alone
The Jealous Sound - Anxious Arms
The Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Y Control
Some Girls - Now Only Memories Run Down These Tracks
The Faint - In Concert
Black Cat Music - Haunted Hotel Colorado
Death From Above 1979 - Blood on our Hands
The Van Pelt - His Steppe Is My Prarie
Seaweed - Crush Us All
Band of Horses - Is There A Ghost?
Deftones - Be Quiet And Drive
Quicksand - Head To Wall
Every Time I Die - Ebolorama
Inside Out - No Spiritual Surrender
Burn - ...And Shall Be Judged
Turning Point - Thursday
Outspoken - Shadow
Unbroken - Absentee Debate
SInce By Man - Light Fuse, Run Away
Jets To Brazil - Chinatown
Farside - Audience
Quicksand - Omission

Wednesday with the Wizard Playlist 1/5/10

Dark Castle - Flight Beyond
Kylesa - Spiral Shadow
US Christmas - The Scalphunters
Deep Purple - Child of Time
Ghost - Con Clavi Con Dio
Legend - The Destroyer
Saxon - Denim and Leather
Led Zeppelin - The Ocean
Humo Del Cairo - Fuego de San Antonio
Kyuss - Asteroid
The Sword - :Lawless Lands
Iron Age - Disposessed
Bison BC - Slow Hand of Death
Graveyard - Lost In Confusion
Karma To Burn - Nineteen
Turbonegro - Boys From Nowhere
Crucified Barbara - Sex Action
Ratt - Round and Round
Guns N Roses - My Michelle
Pantera - Walk
Slayer - Mandatory Suicide
Unearth - Zombie Autopilot
Darkest Hour - Demon(s)
Goblin Cock - We Got A Bleeder
Pentagram - Lazylady
Saviours - We Roam
Celtic Frost - Jeweled Throne
Eighteen Visions - Who Killed John Lennon?
Trapped Under Ice - Street Lights
Cro Mags - Don't Tread On Me
Terror - Overcome
Hatebreed - Doomsayer
Ink and Dagger - The Road To Hell
Hot Snakes - Salton Sea
Blue Oyster Cult - (Don't Fear The) Reaper
Clutch - 50,000 Unstoppable Watts
Torche - Healer
Queens of the Stone Age - You Would Know
Baroness - A Horse Called Golgotha
High On Fire - Frosthammer
A Life Once Lost - Rehashed
Mercyful Fate - Evil
Witchcraft - Wooden Cross
The Stooges - 1969
The White Stripes - My Doorbell
The Sword - Winter's Wolves
Metallica - Master of Puppets
Bad Brains - Re:ignition
Motorhead - Snaggletooth
Doomriders - Come Alive
Carcass - Embodiment

Hello 2011...It's so very nice to meet you

I started writing here because I needed an outlet. My health had fallen ill, I lost my band, and really wasn't in a place to play music in the fashion I play it. At first I tried to mask how I really felt by making light of puking and shitting, and as I got further into this situation, the depression which has always moved in and out of my life took center stage, and while I appreciate the manner in which it elevated my writing ability, it turned this place into an absolute drag to be around, and drove some people to call me a complainer or someone who was clambering for attention over a negative aspect of my life.

Throughout it all, I would always try and make an attempt to be positive. For as hard and as difficult going through this has been for me, its not as if my life has been devoid of good times and/or fun. I would try my hardest to bring some of that to light in this blog, but for whatever reason, conscious, subconscious, what have you, getting the negative out was more important. While I'll be the first to admit that I haven't always been the greatest at handling this chapter of my life. However, getting back on the writing horse has been a great choice I have made, and I will be grateful for going through all this for rekindling this aspect of who I am.

While we have made incredible progress in finding an answer and an end to all this bullshit, there are aspects of my personal life, which I will not get into via a public forum. Some of this, could be just as crippling emotionally as getting sick itself has been, I am not ignoring it, and I am going to cope and deal with that as best as I can. However, even in the face of that, MY LIFE IS TOTALLY RULING RIGHT NOW. I would to get you all caught up and talk about it, because I am proud to actually have something positive to share with you all.

For starters, I have moved out of my grandparent's apartment and into a new place with two of my best friends, Sunshine and Greg. Throughout the process of finding a new place to live for us, I wasn't involved because I was dealing with my own health, physically and mentally. Again, I love my grandparents so much. For housing me, feeding me, putting up with me, helping me financially, caring about me so much, catering to my every need, going above and beyond in so many ways, taking me back and forth to doctor and hospital appointments, trying to keep a sense of humor through it all, and, so many more things that there aren't enough words worthy enough to express how incredible they are as both grandparents and human beings in general. I will be forever indebted to them even more so than any grandson is to his grandparents. However, moving back out on my own was something that I needed to do, and even though I didn't know where I was going to stand as far as my ability to be able to care of myself, and were exactly my health, physically and emotionally, I needed to roll the dice and make this happen. Getting the autonomy of being an adult again has breathed new life into me. Having my own room that was put together by me, that had all of my stuff in it, and put together in the way I wanted to, had more of a positive impact on me in the last six months than anything else. Throughout the week, our house has started to come along. I purchased my first couch and a new computer desk ($20 for both, thank you so much Amanda Hines), and most of the boxes are getting unpacked and this place, more than any other place I have lived in since moving out of my parents' house at 18 years old, feels like my home.

We have art and posters of all of ours in our common areas. While technically, Sunshine, Greg, and I are friends and we could be called roommates, I feel like we are a family here. Our kitchen is clean. We don't haggle over stupid things like who's food is who's. We lend ourselves to each other for help, be it hanging a painting, a ride to the bank, or for support as all three of us struggle through the things we struggle with withn our own lives. On New Years Eve, we sat down and had a wonderful dinner before heading out for the night. Again, I LOVE MY GRANDPARENTS AND EVERYTHING THEY DID FOR ME IN MY TIME OF NEED. That being said, this is the greatest living experience I've had of my adult life. The other night before heading to Eli's to DJ, Greg put on Dag Nasty in the living room and we had the most epic "Values Here" singalong ever. I am the youngest member of this household (not including Fritter, Sunshine's loveable Pomertian puppy), so we keep it clean. We keep it comfortable. We plan on improving this house and making it the envy of everyone we know. There had been some debate on whether or not staying in Oakland was the right move for me. Upon arriving into my new house, I knew that my time in bay was not over yet.

In short, I am so happy to be in my own house that my overall health is much, much better. I got to call Tara, one of my best friends in the world, beaming with pride and hope instead of exhausted, sobbing, and scared for my life. This battle is far from over, but the calvary has arrived. It feels so good to feel so good.

You Know You On Top Cos Only Heaven Right Above It...

Right now, I am in the middle of a life event that not everyone gets to experience, and my friends who have experienced have never been able to answer how it felt for them to go through it.

It is so incredible and still in progress and deeply personal that I can't even begin to start addressing it in here in the appropriate manner, but choosing to bike to the DJ gig tonight, I had a few seconds of downtime, so I just had to put something up.

Fuck you 2010. Hello 2011.