It's been awhile

Read that title again, but this time imagine that dude from Staind singing it. LOL.

I haven't done much here for a minute. The truth is I've been real low and more or less waiting for forward movement on treatment and I sort of feel like a bunch of entries about being depressed, suicidal, upset, and angry don't really make for great reading material. My motivation was relatively shot too. For whatever reason, it's coming back, and I'm going for it.

So health news: there is no tumor, but something is seriously wrong with my ability to produce testosterone, so I am on hormone treatment for three months. As far as the other symptoms, they feel like this is a combo meal of issues, and not necessarily the direct result of one, so I am also returning to UCSF to get a CT scan of my abdomen because hot lava poop is getting real old. The good thing about the hormone therapy is that it should improve my energy and mood, which will make me more able to do things and generally not be a fucking mopey mess all the time. I am also getting sent to a psychiatrist to get a better understanding of my depression related issues. So that's where we are for those keeping score.

I have to be honest, I almost feel like I would have rather had a tumor. This is the most pertinent information, diagnosis, and plan that I've had since this whole fucking mess started, but it still just seems too fucking vague. I want hard, unfuckingwithable evidence. I want a solution. If I have gained anything from this experience, is that an empty life will make you insane. I'm not talking good or bad, whether or not you live the dream or struggle to survive, but literally when you have nothing to fill the time because you can't really do anything, only then do you see how large life really is. I've been waiting to get back in the game for a long time, and recently, each day feels longer and longer. So fuck, appreciate anything you got going on. You got a job? Awesome. A relationship? Sweet. Aside from getting you paid and laid, those things take up the space that is your life. They make the slow parts seem fast and generate experiences and stories and life lessons. I can tell you from experience is that Hulu and OnDemand cable just generate shows you've watched too many times already.

I haven't been completely idle though. I have some things in the works, but like everything else in my life, they seem to take forever to happen. I'm really trying to step up my writing game, and am working on getting myself on some new blogs and getting the old Pressman name out there. I am also working on a book that falls somewhere between memoir and handbook for people who choose to ignore common sense and make bad decisions. I figure if nothing else, the stories can be laughed about now because time has passed and honestly, people are always gonna be dumb. Every single kid that went to elementary school was told drugs are bad and sex is dangerous but as "Intervention" and "Teen Mom" tell us, people are gonna do what people are gonna do. While I may have several lesser points (depending on who you ask), I don't currently have any children, uncurable diseases (from sex anyway), nor have I fellated anyone for drugs. And I can even clean up and look respectable and smart sometimes. So maybe there's a method to the madness. We'll see how it goes. I know that by 31, I have figured out how to look less stupid than a lot of people I hear in stories my friends tell me, so maybe I can give someone a helping hand.

So that's what's up.