I remember Halloween

Actually, the only thing Halloween about this post is the date on which I'm writing it.

For the six or seven of you that are paying attention, I didn't write here for about a week. It may have seemed like it had more to do with being in Orange County and trying to take a vacation from this bullshit hand life has dealt me at this particular time, but the truth was, it had nothing to do with that at all. The truth was that I more or less was having a prolonged mental crisis. Kids, I have been fucking depressed. I feel like in a four week period, everything I thought I knew to be true about a lot of really important things I had going in my life were more or less turned on their head. I saw some things in lights that I hadn't seen, or chose to ignore until I had no way to not see situations for what they really were. I was floored, and I was completely and totally overwhelmed by what reality was, and I had to figure out where the fuck to go, and what the fuck to do now. And let me tell you, this sort of stress did wonders for my stomach. I have had diarrhea in ways I didn't think were humanly possible. I could be making millions in the Japanese or German adult film industry these days, but I don't want to gross you all out.

I thought I had hit a rough patch of life last summer, when ultimately I got sober for the better part of a year and began to build my life back up from the bottom. I thought that over the last year, I had really started to get a plan together. I started to make plans for grad school, I had surrounded myself with what I thought were the right people, and while life threw curveballs at me here and there, I felt like the ball was rolling where it needed to and was supposed to roll. As I've stated in earlier posts, when life sidelines you like it has sidelined me since July, you have a lot of time to think on your hands. I have had some rather devastating situations befall me over the last few weeks. At times, it has felt like the rug was pulled out from underneath me. I have spent the last few weeks wondering what I did to get myself into those situations. How did I miss the mark? How could I have made myself more clear? How did I let something I cared about so deeply get so far off course? I started to look at where I really let myself get to over the last year, and saw that I wasn't nearly as on track as I wanted to or needed to be. When did I get distracted? How did I get distracted? What the fuck do I do now?

Now don't get me wrong, I am not trying to say I have a miserable life, I am also not trying to passive aggressively shit on relationships in my life that have changed over the last few weeks. What I am trying to say is that I was blindsided, and blindsided so hard that it shook me to the core of my being. The only person that I have any direct control or responsibility over in any situation is me. It would have been such a cop out to do anything but look at my own involvement in situations that went tits up. However, just because I had the presence of mind to look long and hard in the mirror doesn't mean that it was any easier to do the work or to not feel torn up inside.

So, if I haven't made it clear by now, I've been real fucking low for about nine days or so. I turned up the numb volume in some less than healthy ways at times, and I've more or less made myself scarce. I am not saying that either of these reactions are the right one, but at the very least, it made me be alone with my thoughts, and I didn't unnecessarily drag other people through my own emotional roller coaster (or if I did, it was the bare minimum amount of people). The last few nights have been some of the longest, loneliest, sobbingest nights that I have endured over my thirty years of being here. I've been pulled in so many directions about so many different aspects of my recent past and the future that continues to bare down on me regardless of how I happen to be feeling at the moment. I've had to try to understand if I was sad because I was lonely or was I sad because I was misunderstood? Was something really as good as it seemed if intentions were so misconstrued and ultimately convoluted? How do I continue to thrive and exist in a place that isn't where I want to be? How do I realistically plan to change things that are big picture and won't happen overnight?

A fucking drag, right? Well, I am happy to say that I am starting to make some sense of this. I have spent enough time in solitary. My drive and motivation are coming back. While I don't have all these questions answered. I haven't resolved how I feel about some of the recent changes in my life. I don't exactly how I am going to get myself to where I want to be next. I do know that I can only change things that are in my power. I can't beat myself up over what other people do, and I can't worry myself over things I can't entirely effect on my own. There are a few new projects I am getting involved with and starting to work on, and I have recently met some exciting new people that are providing my life with a much needed breath of fresh air. In addition to these newer elements of my life, I can't forget my rocks, my support, my friends who have been there, and will always be there no matter what the fuck goes on.

This probably was vague and I'm sure reads like a raving idiot rambling on at four in the morning, but hey, I am who I am, and I ride the wave of inspiration whenever it hits. The important part is to remember that for as bleak as it seems, it won't stay bleak forever. I'm sure that I'll still lay awake over-analyzing my life's recent turbulence. I'm probably not done crying, and I for sure haven't figured out how to get from the point a I'm currently stuck in, to the totally awesome point b I want to have for myself, but there is a light at the end of this tunnel, and I'm pretty sure it isn't an oncoming train.