you say positive? i say ok

the actually lyrics to that song are "you say positive, i say fuck that" by a band called in control. the song is called "gimmie some reality", and to be honest, in my humble opinion, is one of the greatest hardcore songs written of all time.

i took a lot away from that song from the time i heard it growing up. it helped me to accept reality not always going the way you want, and it had a kick ass mosh part to boot.

My blogs have been vague and short because personally, I find myself struggling in all sorts of different ways personally. Sometimes I feel like I could lay out all the things I'm sorting through in my head like a grocery list. A lot of people like to take blogs as an opportunity to complain about their lives, or as black hole for people to throw pity into. I'm not going to act like I haven't written in here in a fashion that be considered that. However, I think its counter-productive to healing, health, and happiness.

For every curveball and fucked up situation life has thrown at me, it has turned around thrown me a sweet, over the plate fast ball that I have sent into the center field bleachers. A lot of people tend to think you need leave your surroundings in order to get happy or change yourself. recently, for another blog, i wrote how taking lsd basically changes your visual perspective of what surrounds you. uprooting your life is bullshit. in my opinion, taking yourself and your fucked up problems to a place you know even less well is a recipe for distaster. it just ends up leaving you alone and upset versus being upset with at least some people you love, and others you can tolerate to fashion some sort of support system out of. lately ive had some friends that ive known for some years spend some time with me and let me in on their lives in ways ive never known before. it doesnt replace lost hormones, or undo any damage ive done to myself, but i see hope where i am. i see weapons to fight my disease and my problems i didnt even know i had.

at times i feel like i have enough friends. at times, i carry myself like an asshole and put people off and limit my involvement with people. to be honest, i feel like its for their own good, not mine. but tonight i spent some time with a good friend and it was awesome to see someone ive known for a few years in a whole new light, and to talk with that person and spending more time together doing creative things and just being fucking sweet bros.

tragedy and illness and hardships are unavoidable, and a part of life. i feel like through every hardship thats thrown my way, even the ones that have cut the deepest, have made me who i am, and have presented so many positives that without them, i wouldnt be who i am today, and for the first time in years, i look in the mirror and im proud of what i see.