I started writing here because I needed an outlet. My health had fallen ill, I lost my band, and really wasn't in a place to play music in the fashion I play it. At first I tried to mask how I really felt by making light of puking and shitting, and as I got further into this situation, the depression which has always moved in and out of my life took center stage, and while I appreciate the manner in which it elevated my writing ability, it turned this place into an absolute drag to be around, and drove some people to call me a complainer or someone who was clambering for attention over a negative aspect of my life.
Throughout it all, I would always try and make an attempt to be positive. For as hard and as difficult going through this has been for me, its not as if my life has been devoid of good times and/or fun. I would try my hardest to bring some of that to light in this blog, but for whatever reason, conscious, subconscious, what have you, getting the negative out was more important. While I'll be the first to admit that I haven't always been the greatest at handling this chapter of my life. However, getting back on the writing horse has been a great choice I have made, and I will be grateful for going through all this for rekindling this aspect of who I am.
While we have made incredible progress in finding an answer and an end to all this bullshit, there are aspects of my personal life, which I will not get into via a public forum. Some of this, could be just as crippling emotionally as getting sick itself has been, I am not ignoring it, and I am going to cope and deal with that as best as I can. However, even in the face of that, MY LIFE IS TOTALLY RULING RIGHT NOW. I would to get you all caught up and talk about it, because I am proud to actually have something positive to share with you all.
For starters, I have moved out of my grandparent's apartment and into a new place with two of my best friends, Sunshine and Greg. Throughout the process of finding a new place to live for us, I wasn't involved because I was dealing with my own health, physically and mentally. Again, I love my grandparents so much. For housing me, feeding me, putting up with me, helping me financially, caring about me so much, catering to my every need, going above and beyond in so many ways, taking me back and forth to doctor and hospital appointments, trying to keep a sense of humor through it all, and, so many more things that there aren't enough words worthy enough to express how incredible they are as both grandparents and human beings in general. I will be forever indebted to them even more so than any grandson is to his grandparents. However, moving back out on my own was something that I needed to do, and even though I didn't know where I was going to stand as far as my ability to be able to care of myself, and were exactly my health, physically and emotionally, I needed to roll the dice and make this happen. Getting the autonomy of being an adult again has breathed new life into me. Having my own room that was put together by me, that had all of my stuff in it, and put together in the way I wanted to, had more of a positive impact on me in the last six months than anything else. Throughout the week, our house has started to come along. I purchased my first couch and a new computer desk ($20 for both, thank you so much Amanda Hines), and most of the boxes are getting unpacked and this place, more than any other place I have lived in since moving out of my parents' house at 18 years old, feels like my home.
We have art and posters of all of ours in our common areas. While technically, Sunshine, Greg, and I are friends and we could be called roommates, I feel like we are a family here. Our kitchen is clean. We don't haggle over stupid things like who's food is who's. We lend ourselves to each other for help, be it hanging a painting, a ride to the bank, or for support as all three of us struggle through the things we struggle with withn our own lives. On New Years Eve, we sat down and had a wonderful dinner before heading out for the night. Again, I LOVE MY GRANDPARENTS AND EVERYTHING THEY DID FOR ME IN MY TIME OF NEED. That being said, this is the greatest living experience I've had of my adult life. The other night before heading to Eli's to DJ, Greg put on Dag Nasty in the living room and we had the most epic "Values Here" singalong ever. I am the youngest member of this household (not including Fritter, Sunshine's loveable Pomertian puppy), so we keep it clean. We keep it comfortable. We plan on improving this house and making it the envy of everyone we know. There had been some debate on whether or not staying in Oakland was the right move for me. Upon arriving into my new house, I knew that my time in bay was not over yet.
In short, I am so happy to be in my own house that my overall health is much, much better. I got to call Tara, one of my best friends in the world, beaming with pride and hope instead of exhausted, sobbing, and scared for my life. This battle is far from over, but the calvary has arrived. It feels so good to feel so good.
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:)
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