I swear I was planning on waking up today in a good mood. I was gonna wake up, start moving out of my old house, and eventually get to Eli's and play a bunch of Black Flag and see some friends.
Yeah, well, that got fucked right up.
I got home from djing last night and immediately staggered clumsily into the bathroom and proceeded to throw up everything I attempted to ingest yesterday. Not to be disgusting, but Gatorade, eggs, toast, Coca-Cola, a real potpourri of color and flavor. After getting that all out and brushing/rebrushing my teeth a few times, I slugged back as much electrolyte and nutrient-rich liquid that I could, popped a Valium, put on Billy the Exterminator. Before I knew it, I had watched that methed out F-List looking Bret Michaels wannabe destroy all sorts of critters and bugs, saw that daylight had broke, and decided that I may as well go watch real tv in the den. Oh, did I mention that every time I dozed off, I was woken up because my body had a different amount of liquid to get rid out of both ends of my body. The last thing I remember was Gordon Ramsey and some guido fucker yelling at each other on Kitchen Nightmares.
When I came to at 10:18am, two things were abundantly clear about today. The first was that that there was no way I was in any shape to move furniture today, and that I have hit a new low in my health.
So much for a good mood and a productive day. Now moving everything in one day is going to be a miracle tomorrow.
In so many ways, it feels like I am losing my life as I knew it bit by bit. Sitting in front of an open laptop on iTunes last night banished me to a vomiting fit in the shower for thirty minutes. Fuck, I watched Get Him To The Greek Unrated today and laughed myself into puking. What kind of fucked up, sadistic shit is that? What do I have left when movies and computers set this dumb shit off inside me? Where am I heading? What is my new reality?
The worst part of this by far realizing that I really can't do anything strenuous anymore, emotionally or physically. This obviously sucks beyond all sucking. I am digging as deep as I can, and trying to keep the melodrama to a minimum. But I just figured that the bitter pill is for everyone i know to swallow today. Not just for me. I know that from here on out, I need help. Any help. This fight is too much for me on my own anymore. I'm not waving the white flag by any means, but maybe the yellow? Red? NASCAR fans, give me a hand here.
I know that the doctor's visit to end all doctor's visit is tomorrow, and that this dude is known for diagnosing things far outside the box. I know my friends and family are going to get me out of my old house tomorrow. Wrapping my mind about my own inability to do anything to help myself is today's crushing blow.
I feel like this post may not flow well, but I dare you to rewrite The Sun Also Rises on an iPad while crying your eyes out. Shit is difficult.
2 comments:
It sounds like you're feeling really overwhelmed right now. I can't even imagine what it must be like to be that sick on a daily basis with no answers in sight. It sounds mentally and physically draining. I hope your drs visit goes well tomorrow. I KNOW it will. Have them do every test in the book TWICE. Text me when you get out. I will call you tomorrow, my friend.
I wish there was something I could do or say to make things better. If you ever need another shoulder to cry on, I'm here for you. Let me know what the prognosis is. Fingers crossed all this gets sorted out.
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