The kid's not all right

It was recently brought to my attention that the way in which I discuss my current health issues is very uncensored and open, and that it may lead some to excessive worry and/or concern.

Newsflash motherfuckers: I am sick.

Not sick like the flu. Not sick like a cold. Not sick like I drink too much or do blow or pop pills too much. Sick like for the last three months I have been vomiting and having diarhea unexplainably,suffering through abdominal pain, and having no regular or real appetite. I have lost about 25 lbs rapidly and with no explanation (dieting, working out, stomach stapling, speed usage). It has left me without energy and extremely dehydrated at times. For every good day I have, there are two so-so days and two days of utter horror and misery. You can ask my grandparents, close friends, and bandmates for eyewitness accounts and details of what the last 90 days of life have been like for me.

Since my health started to go, I have cut almost all difficult food out of my diet. My recreational drinkinrg and stimulant use has been minimal. I haven't worked since August 3rd. I have stepped down from actively playing live music. My only sources of extra activity are my dj gigs, which even take their toll on me. Even in a situation where my life is designed to be easy on the body, my symptoms continue to worsen.

I have received an endoscopy, a flexible seimoscopy, a colonoscopy, a ct scan, and a bunch of stool and blood tests ran on me. Thus far, doctors have only been able to rule out major things like colon/gi cancer, krohn's disease, colitis, ulcers, celiac, food allergies, and bacterial infection. As of now, the medical world is stumped with what is causing all of this.

What's the point? I am sick, no one can tell me why, and it isn't getting better on its own.

Since July, I have had my life come to a grinding halt. I watch the rest of the world do what it does while I sit uncomfortably on the sidelines, dealing with my puke, shit, and subsequent anxiety and depression that comes from going through your body quitting on you at 30 with no explanation. Those of you who know me well know that I am not the greatest at just sitting back and taking it on the chin. I make comments on Facebook and in this blog, both in humorous tones as well as in brutal honesty because, as sad as it is to type, this is all i can do right now. If I could write and perform a record about this, I would. If I could be dealing with this is any other way that wasn't so out in the open, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, this is all I got. This is my way of keeping myself from staying up all right worrying, harming myself out of stress and/or depression, or...even worse.

Morose and pathetic, I know. No one knows more than me. However, it helps. A bad butt hole joke does make the pain of shitting 15 times in 24 hours easier to bare. Sometimes i need to tell my stomach to fuck itself in a public forum to not go crazy over expensive nausea meds not doing their job. I understand that it can be a drag to read, and it casts a dark shadow over my daily life. I get that it causes worry and makes people uncomfortable. It may make you want to respond or ask questions. It may make me seem unapproachable or too caught up in my own shit to hear about yours. You may not want to bother me with asking, so you ask those who are close to me, which only makes them worry more. I know what reactions my post causes...

...and I'm not sorry for it. I'm not stopping. I'm not censoring myself. This is my reality. This is my life. If you want to ask me how I feel, ask me. If you don't want to hear about me, don't read my posts or delete me from your Facebook. No hard feelings. Honestly, I am not posting these things looking for any response from anyone. If you read these and pass along to the next thing, good for you. Be happy you have it better than I do. I know that I plan on living up every day I have left once I feel better.

If you want to know how I'm doing message me on Facebook or e-mail me at imalwaystiredallthetime@gmail.com. I will take all questions unanswered here, and most definitely all well wishes.

Wow. Kinda heavy. I really wish I could lighten this bitch up with a shart story, but I am the Tim Linceceum of taking sketchy dumps and I won't be shitting myself anytime soon. I love you all, but not enough to shit my pants on purpose just to make you laugh.